Jul 29, 2015

Hold too tight, hold too loose...


This last week has been…                          As if all of 2015 stepped into itself - and I didn’t stand there in well fitting shoes and say ‘oh good, now we’re done.’ But rather, I went to a sculpt class and worked hard - because more than ever it’s time to move and find action on THIS step. Time for another round of action, reflection, surrender. 

On Saturday morning I got a text saying 'he’s sick, wanna jump and teach?’. While I had done some $5 classes there - I didn’t have my official 'audition’ test run class to get hired with my own legit regular class scheduled until Tuesday but I didn’t hesitate, I said - 'sure’. 

Oh. WHAT?    Sure.           SURE!?             “Sure” I’ll teach a class of 20 advanced yogi’s in the class and the poses that have challenged me the most. “Sure” I’ll teach my first full on legit ‘practice 'nuthin’ class in 3 hours from now. “Sure” I’ll take the opportunity to teach at one of the largest yoga studios in Los Angeles. “Sure” I’ll sub for an incredible teacher knowing his students know whats good. Sure. And I didn’t mean it dismissively as much as it was a fast response delivered with sureness. I am ‘sure’ I can teach this class. I am ‘sure’ that I understand how to take care of them. I am ‘sure’ that I have something valuable to offer. Sure. Yes. Sure. 

The weekend continue’d to unveil in a series of butterflies landing in my hands and settling as such.

Those butterflies that you aren’t supposed to hold too tightly but ache to have and squuuueeeeze because they’re so great. Those gentle, floating, balanced based creatures that ask us for delicacy and patience - and steady yet energized hands. 

And I just feel grateful. and a little nervous. Really proud. And firmly firmly grounded. 

I keep waiting to be EXCITED - and I am, but it comes from a steadier place. There’s no bouncing. There is exhaling. More like the tree that’s been deeply and quietly rooting waiting for spring, until it was time to bloom bigger and brighter for having taken seasons off. And a whole lot less like this bright swaying sprig of a tree that I’ve thought of myself as these past few years. I’m growing new leaves, I’m blooming, I’m putting something out into the world rather than just taking something away from it. 

I taught that final ‘audition’ class yesterday. 

And I’ll now have my own class times, every week at One Down Dog - a studio I’ve seen move from a friend’s dream to a booming reality, a studio I started my training at a year ago, a massive yoga home to all different brilliant humans. And I get to teach there now. I am a yoga teacher. 

And I got to go home and tell the people about it who I want to have hear. Because butterflies are safe in these hands. I am patient, devoted, and softly, steadily energized.

And is there still work to be done? Room to grow? Distance to traverse?


But these butterflies are thriving in the hands that have held them this year. Lets take ‘em on a sight change. Lets see what these gentle and energized hands are capable of next. 

Too cliche to say I’m just getting started?


Just getting started. 

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